THE TERMINATOR IN A BATHROBE

Apparently The Terminator can wear a bathrobe while going through security and no one blinks and eye. If I were to do this I would be thrown on the floor, raped with a knight stick, fisted if Crazy McBottom was around, and then beat with an old stray broom because I liked it so much. 

This bitch does not mess around, she put on her show, jumped straight into a car, rushed off to the airport and jumped on a flight. I would too if I was in Germany, which was exactly where she had just performed. 

How did that steal bear trap, AKA her Vagina, make it through security? She probably blew everyone or fucked them in order to get through. She's classy.

WHERE'S MY TURKEY LEG?

This annoying bitch opened shop on the streets on NYC to help promote the 3rd season of her talk show, which premieres sometime down the road, I could give a fuckity fuck because I just don't care. She was "making' food for the peeps on the street and passing it out to anyone who wanted a sample.

I would of taken a sample, smelled it, taken a little bite, and then thrown it back in her face before running off screaming like a young boy at Michael Jackson's 50th B-Day party. Jesus Juice and tylenol gel caps for everyone!!!

Put your elephant trunk in my mouth kids. MUALGH

Any way, If this bitch looks like she's getting fucked up the ass while scooping potato salad into a to go container. 

TARD

NOT AGAIN.

My first thought when I saw this cover. Where's the landscaper with lawnmower and can he run this bitch over?

She's in love Ya'll and country. Why does she still think she needs to talk about John Mayer? Didn't they break up in early 2006. You know what that means, she's obsessed and probably stalking him. She probably keep a pair of his used underwear, complete with racing strips cause you know he has those, in the hopes of contacting some South Korean DNA specialist who's willing to clone him. Get over it. He's moved on and prefers fucking someone with brains. 

The clock has been set for this new breakup to take place, because when you publicly declare your love for someone on a magazine cover you are basically throwing the towel in and giving up on the relationship. Trust this, it happens, go through all your old People, Elle, etc...... and count how many couples have broken up. 

60 days max for this couple. TRUST THIS!!!

HAPPY 50TH

Here she is folks in all her glory, complete with wig, pajama bottoms, loafers, a blazer, and Jackie O sunglasses. What a sight!!!

MJ is turning 50 today, yes 50. He's 50. This pic was taking at Plant Hollywood, formerly The Aladdin Hotel, in Vegas the other day. He sure knows how to dress up for an event, he can party down and then fall asleep either in a booth, corner, floor, bathroom, or any other place he wants. 

Such a sad case, I remember have posters on him on my wall, the single sequined gloves, then red leather jacket with all the zipper. It was so awesome. I also remember the photo in National Enquirer of him sleeping in the oxygen chamber only because instead of books I read that trashy tabs. My favorite was Bat Boy, he was in a different location every single week and I think he returned to the NYC Subway tunnels at least once every three months. What a guy.

Any way, He's 50!!!!

FROM THE TARA REID CLOTHING LINE

Here's the latest piece from the Tara Reid clothing line called Mantra. I finally get the name. The clothing line is for Drag Queen. MANtra. Perfect Tara. Two thumbs up your ass.

On a serious note, who the fuck would allow someone to go out in public dressed like this. This is what London will do you folks. Do not ever go there. Trust me on this one. You find a really hot guy then when you get home you realize that he's been attacked by cheese and stinky cheese at that. Totally ruins your appetite and your vacation. 

This is some bitch name Jodie Marsh looking all elegant and shit at some premier. I don't know what she does or how she got famous, but I dress like that all the time and you don't see me getting invited to any red carpet premieres or celebrity parties. The only thing I get invited to it McDonalds for a big mac and hand job under the table. Don't get me wrong those are just as fun.

A TARA REID CLOTHING LINE?

First of fucking all, there are way to many "celebrity" clothing lines it's getting retarded. Not every single person needs a clothing line. I personally find it a bit ironic that someone like Tara Reid has started a clothing line because the bitch usually isn't wearing clothes.

Her clothing line is called Mantra. Whatever the fuck that shit means.

In my opinion her clothing line should be called " I had a promising career, then decided to spread my legs and let anything mount me while getting shit ass drunk everything single night, which quickly turned me into a laughing stock in Hollywood and soon after that I couldn't find anyone who wanted to hire me." 

And those airbrushed/photoshopped pictures of her around the room do not fucking help to sell the clothes, they only thing those are good for are memories as she will NEVER look remotely close to those pictures again. 

She totally fucked her career. See what alcohol will do kids. Now bring me a drink STAT!!!!

TWINKIE FIGHT

You know this bitch got the black eye from a twinkie fight. TRUST.  Here's the real story.

She had a bunch of her friends over to her London flat and after a night of dancing, doing lines of coke, purging on "crisps", and just having a hell of time everyone freaked the fuck out when Kelly realized that she only had one twinkie left in the box.

This threw the entire party into complete chaos as all of her friends forced her into a corner while she held onto the twinkie for dear life. She didn't want to let it go and had no idea what to do when all the sudden she tried to make a dive for it and ended up butting heads with another fat friend of hers causing her eye to blacken and her face to swell. Trust this, her face did swell, but due to her fatness you couldn't even tell. 

I know twinkie fights happen, and not only in John Travolta and Crazy McBottom's bedroom usually those twinkie fights are over boys that just turned 18 the day before, just like turkey leg fights happen. 

Any way. I hope her fat head is okay. 

MEOW.......

Grab the KY cause there's a new rumor floating around these parts saying that Cher is being considered to play Catwoman in the new Batman movie. 

How many fucking Batman movies can there be? I have no desire to watch any of them, but I always end up doing so, usually while I am drinking with "friends" (friends meaning the pillows on my couch that now have faces due to my black sharpie. They are good friends, always listen to me and never talk back or question me) and giving myself a hand job after my hand falls asleep, seriously if you haven't do this DO IT NOW. 

Cher may be rehearsing for the part already or at least one would think due to the picture above that has just very recently been released. It may or may not be for her Vegas show, but either way it looks like there was a pussy attacked and I am not talking about Paris Hilton on a Saturday night.

Why don't they have Jocelyn Wildenstein to play the part, she's already in character.

GRAB THE FRYING PAN

........cause I am going smack this ass monkey upside the head. He left Drew Barrymore for that rehabbed vampire toothed skank. What the fuck is Hollywood coming too?

Any way here is the shit for brains Justin Long and Kirsten Dump, AKA Kiki, at Sunset Junction getting their drink and obviously their zip on. Look at that thing. I am sure it has it's own zip code, private jet, and condo in Malibu by now. He's just way too hot for her, granted he's kind of goofy, but a hot goofey in the way that Vince Vaughn isn't. 

I hope he got her drunk, put it in her no-no hole, grabbed the money from her purse and got the fuck out there because I could not imagine waking up next to that thing in the morning. Like a nightmare come true. 

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN

For fucks sake dig a hole and bury this already. Here's the ever lovely Pam, who buy the way still does not know how to apply lip liner, promoting her craptastic new reality show on E! Entertainment in Australia. 

This bitch looks rougher than Lindsey Lohan's bearded clam after her man whore Sam gets done eating from her seafood buffet. Now don't get me wrong Pam is an amazing actress just like Shauna Sand is naturally beautiful, but she needs new make-up people. 

Is her make-up artist Stevie Wonder????

I've seen this bitch close up, like really close up, and she just looks used and abused. It may be the Hep C she has or it just may be because the bitch needs a nap and is malnourished from only eating lettuce leaves, blueberries, and walnuts. 

Give her a sausage dog, remind her to EAT it and not fuck it, and show her to her room for a good nap, lord knows she needs one.

THE LUCKIEST TRASH BINS IN THE WORLD

I've been looking for a new place to live and I think I have found it. 

Either one of those trash bins. They have both been blessed from the heavens above and they are actually a perfect fit for me as all of the things I own can fit into a shoe box.

Maybe I can have a homeless guy weld them together using plastic bags, used condoms, and just pure elegance to form a mini trash bin mansion. One is the living quarters and one is bedroom.

Either way, those bins are now blessed as the always elegant Shauna Sand crossed their paths. I am almost sure that those two people died shortly after this picture was taken due to the overall elegance of what they had just saw. Why is this bitch not being carried? She's the closest thing to Jesus H. Christ that walks our land on a daily basis. 

When I move onto the next life I was to be reincarnated as her toilet seat. That is pure elegance.

RIP Beach People.

PANTY LINER ELEGANCE

Hee Haw, I mean Heide, shot a video for her new song "Overdosin" over the weekend and by the looks of this promo pic it was a complete 80's nightmare, complete with an elegant panty liner. 

This shit's been done bitch. Does Olivia Newton John ring a bell? At least Olivia did it with class and didn't resort to using a panty liner for publicity, but she has real talent too and can actually sing.

After seeing this pic, I didn't want to have nightmares so I didn't watch the final video, I had three hopes that obviously didn't happen. 

#1. She OD from all the hairspray that was used and ended up in a hairspray induced coma (It really can happen)

#2. One of the set lights fell from the ceiling and killed the bitch

#3 Someone flicked a ciggie near her and her hair went up in flames due to the overuse of hairspray.

By the way, Spencer, did her hair for the shoot, or so next weeks tabloids will lead you to believe. Staged photo shoots are fun ya'll.

Panty Liners Unite!!!

DID SHE BLEED TO DEATH?

Everyone's favorite piss lover was rushed to the hospital in NYC last night after cutting her foot on a glass table in her hotel room. One person described the room as looking like a murder scene with blood from floor to ceiling. NO bitch that was ketchup from the dozen or so foot longs she picked up on the corner and hour later. There are several possible reasons why she cut her foot:

1. She was getting gang banged on the glass table by the dozen foot longs she bought and it broke

2. She was letting the hotel staff piss on her while she laid spread eagle on the table and it broke

3. In her mind she's petite and can sit anywhere, well no on this table. Her fat ass broke it.

4. It never fucking happened and was all for publicity as she is now a new "star" on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. She's a publicity whore and knows it.

I just hope the cut, if it really happened, is deep enough to where it will keep her off the streets for a few weeks that way my eyes refocus back to normal and leave the wide angle ass vision behind for a time.

TERMINATOR TERROR

Oh my roids, this is a mess. If I was in the front row of this concert, or any concert of hers, I would want my money back because there would be no way I could focus on the show because my eyes would be focused on that bear trap like vagina of hers.

I love this pic because she looks like a lady with a calcium problem and is all hunched over and shit. Is it just me or is The Terminator starting to look her age?

Anyroid, here she is playing her first show of the new tour and looking like a Ukrainian female body builder while doing so. Is it that hard to take a day off once and while. I mean I take every single day off and I think I look great, grated no one would touch my body with a 10 foot pole as they could not get through the hair, cracker crumbs, food wrappers, and just over grossness to actually hit flesh and blood. 

You know that if the people in the front row were not enjoying watching her Grandma vadge thrust in their faces she just open that trapped and sucked them up in it, only to dispose of them backstage. That vadge is like a giant black hole that eats anything around it.

THESE TWO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME

Seriously if I saw them on the street I would turn around and run in the opposite direction while screaming like a 12 year old Jonas Bro fan. That's what the person behind them in the picture is doing. 

First of all, what the fuck is with the sunglasses at night? This look does not work on any living person, brainwashed person, or robot. 

2ndly, what the fuck is up with dressing the same? You know it's Crazy McBottom that does this. He probably tries on what she's planning on wearing, take a few pics of it for himself, then tries to match her outfit with clothes of his own.

Thirdly, The lifts in his shoes must be a good 6 inches. Like high heels for me. She towers over him and in this pic they are almost the same height.

She's so brainwashed she's beyond help and why do you never, ever see her parents around. Do you think Crazy McBottom banned them from seeing their daughter. Her parents have probably retired so they should have all the free time in the world right? Wrong, Crazy McBottom ran up behind them and held one of his used and abused party jockstraps to their faces until they passed out, then had them rolled up in an old rug and shipped off to a Sandals Resort until the brainwashing of their daughter was complete.

FREAKS

LolitaDonna

Here's a little teaser from Madonna's upcoming "Shit & Piss" tour that kicks off today in some place called Cardiff, wherever the fuck that is. To me it sounds like and old fat ladies clothing store. 

Yes she's great, yes she changed the face of music, yes she looks amazing for 50, yes she's ......... blah blah blah. I am not impressed anymore by her. 5 years ago I would of rolled in human feces for a chance to hang out with her, now not so much. 

Plus this look is too Jon Benet for me. A 50 year old lolita. This look would be better on her daughter, who I hope does not follow in her mothers slutty footsteps, but chances are she will. What's classier than putting out a put called Sex that includes you in all kinds of sex poses with random men and woman? That's basically any given weekend for me.

If you decide to see The Terminator on tour this time around enjoy yourself and enjoy spending a couple hundred dollars for something that she's already done time and time again.

I gotta go to Costco. 

WHO IS SHE?

The Phoeb was out and about on Robertson yesterday doing a little shopping and posing. You know she called the paps herself and probably paid them to cause a scene and take her pics. I've tried to do this over and over again, but I can't seen to drum up enough interest, but then again I don't have the amazing acting credits as The Phoeb so it's understandable.

The Phoeb's party almost came crashing down when a group of tourists from Dubai had no idea who she was. She was obviously pissed when this happened and it was all caught on camera. Follow the Pissed link.

Let's look at some of her amazing credits.

* "Customer with car"  in the pilot for the X-Files

* "Photographer" in an episode of Arli$$

* "Desginer" in Shoot Me 2

FUCK. Where is this bitch's Oscar. I can tell you as a true fan I have everything she has ever done on DVD and when I say on DVD, I mean just 1 DVD that runs for just over 7 minutes. 

She's a fucking star Yo. 

THAT'S ALL THEY WROTE?

I could of come up with a few other words to describe this home wrecking whore bag. Her vag must be so wore out and tired, which is rather sad because she isn't even 25 years old yet.

That shits brick too and getting paint off of brick is harder than shit. Before I moved to my new cock roach/Mexican infested apartment in LA I was living in an apartment complex that was tagged on a regular basis, which would of been fine, but the places that were tagged were the brick areas. It seemed like that shit was being painted over every other day. 

The best thing this bitch could do is just move the fuck out of the country. No one likes her ass as it's been reported that she's broken up several marriages. When the paps confronted her on the tagging she reportedly told them that she "was so scared about returning home"

Bitch please, the only thing you should really be scared of is the irate and crazy as fuck married woman coming after your ass. That's really scary, a little spray paint is nothing. Trust me, spray paint can be fun if you the paper bag you're huffing it out isn't too big. The bigger the bag the shorter the high. TRUST

BIG BIRDS LONG LOST TWIN

What the fuck kind of outfit is this? Feathers, I mean seriously, feathers. You know by the end of the night those feathers were used, abused, and matted together like dreadlocks. Just another Bukkake party after a Hollywood premiere, usually these only involve Crazy McBottom, but he needs a rest every once in a while. Needs to rest the throat and clean out his eyes.

Here's the lead singer, or a singer, I am not too sure, from the girl group Danity Kane looking like Big Birds long lost twin sister. Her mom and dad must be so proud of her. Isn't she the one who got knocked up by Diddy, then had an abortion? Or am I thinking about someone else?

Any way she's pure class. The next Shauna Sand. Did she go to the Shuana Sand School for Skank? If so, sign this skank up. I already own a pair of lucite high heels. 

TUNA CASSEROLE?

Da Brat, who's been Miss Carey's scissor sister for years now, has just been sentenced to 3 years in prison for hitting some bitch upside the head with an empty rum bottle. 

Her family was in court today when the judge slapped her wrist and told her to get ready for daily muff diving, which I am sure she won't have a problem with in the least. 

Here's a sample menu of weekday meals.

Mon: Tuna Casserole

Tues: Beef Curtain Stir fry

Wed: Bearded Clams (Steamed and smothered in cream sauce) MUALGH

Thur: Tuna Tar Tar

Fri:   Bald Beaver Pot Pie

Sounds great and you know she won't have a hard time eating any of it as it's placed directly on top of her face while she lays on her back in bed. A Squatted Meal is the technical term for that type of eating. 

Enough, I am making myself sick.

HOLY RATS NEST BATMAN

Comb that fucking hair and don't even try to blame that mess on the fact that you are riding down Sunset Blvd with the top down. Here's her Majesty with her hot ass body guard and rumored new lover going for a joy ride around town today. No particular place to go, so they just drove and drove and drove. 

Hasn't she had little patch of acne on her chin/mouth/corner crack area for months now? At least since February after her 5150 spell. 

**Ding ding**, I just figured out what her hair reminds me of. ME!!! Well at least the lower half of my body when I get lazy and decide not to trim my rain forest for a few months. Yes I turn into a Yeti down their, but it keeps me warm and gives me something to comb since my mom took away my collection of My Little Ponies, and No I don't mean my collection of Sara Jessica Parker pictures, I mean my actual collection of My Little Ponies. I must of had dozens of them and Care Bears too. My favorite was Champ. 

Do the world a favor and put the top up the next time you're out for a joy ride. On that note, I am going to go comb.

HANG THE BITCH

I am starting a petition to get this bitch hung by her stringy as fuck hair. A police officer in LA saw her toss her ciggy butt on the ground and rode his bike across to the street with the hopes of giving her a citation, but being the smooth talker that she is she was able to get of the ticket. After enjoying a nice lunch at P.F. Changs she was outside puffing on a cancer stick, why do people still smoke, then when she was finished she tossed it on the curb. As the police officer rode up to her he asked her to pick the butt up and toss it into the trash can that was next to her. She declined and instead was given a verbal warning and told that if he sees her doing it again she will be fined. 

FUCK THAT. HANG THE BITCH. She's nothing special, after 4 1/2 minutes no one will care anymore. 

I recently checked with several of my law enforcement friends, not really law enforcement friends, but instead friends who have fucked or are fucking police officers in Los Angeles and they told me that littering is a crime regardless of who you are. This police officer should be hung himself. LA has enough trash, Paris, Lindsey, Miley, etc...... I could go on for days, the last thing we need is the streets littered with more of it. 

Either hang the bitch and get it over quick, or make her smoke a carton a day and have her die a slow and painful death.  Your choice.

SPICE BABY

The lesbian Spice Girl is knocked up according to her latest blog entry, but get this, she's not a lezzie licker and has been together with a MAN for the last several years. Who Knew!!!

She's the last spice on the rack to have a baby. Together the group has a total of like 23 kids or something, I don't really know to be honest and am just shit up. I know Posh and Becks have three, what a lucky bitch, not because she's been knocked up three times, but because she gets to ride that turkey jerky whenever she wants. I always carry a ball and gag with me just in case I run into him on the streets in LA, because you know I'd take it balls deep, but I don't want to hear that fucking voice of his. He needs a thicker cut, but it may be too late as the damage has already been done. 

Any way 34 year old Sporty is going to be a mom ya'll, I guess that good news and all, but when is this baby invasion going to fucking stop. I must admit I am getting inspired by all these babies and am thinking about adopting a child myself. Not so much for love, but more as a maid/slave/personal assistant. I hate cleaning, hate getting dressed, and need someone to feed me.  What's wrong with that?

DROWN THE BITCH

Here's everyone favorite vitamin beer drinking country bumkin lounging in a pool wearing her new trademark cowboy hat, cause she so country now. Apparently this bitch in on a mini vacation in Miami of all places. Where's Hurricane Fey when we need her, whip this bitch up in your winds and drop her ass out in the middle of the the Atlantic. Global Warming would not be a bad thing if this happened. 

Roma Tomato was no where in sight, as he was probably calling his old flame Carrie Underwear. You know he still calls her, regardless of what the dumb slut about says. 

Jessica "I am so Country" Simpson's former husband, Nick "Where's my Career" Lachey was also in the area at the same time and thank god they didn't run into each other. Chances are that wouldn't of happened anyway as he was staying at the airport Comfort Inn, while she was staying on at a Miami Beach hotel.

SHE WORKS TOO HARD FOR THE MONEY

Sources say that the Big O and I do mean Big O, cause there isn't really anything small about her, is getting to fucking tired of posing for the photos that grave her magazine cover each month. She has apparently told the people behind her magazine that they have 6 months to figure out what the hell they are going to do. 

Personally if I ruled the world like the Big O does I wouldn't be doing a god damn thing. I would have people feeding me Wendy's french fries on the left with someone else feeds me spoon after spoon of Wendy's frosty on the right. 

How hard is it to really take these pictures. She gets out of bed, is carried down to a waiting limo, is carried into a studio when the limo arrives that photo shoot location, is feed turkey legs and lard directly from the can as someone applies her make-up and does her hair at the same time that she is having fat sucked out her ass, she sits there for one photo, and then is carried back to her limo and driven to one of her dozen or so houses around the world. 

This bitch does not fucking walk, her feet have not touched the ground in years. She's like a black Jesus.

I don't believe this story for one second, only because you know that whatever pictures she takes are photo shopped to Uranus and back so I don't really think they take pictures of her anymore any way. They just create new pics of her by using the old pics.

Get me a frosty bitch.

SHE'S GOING TO BLOW

About mother fucking time. This bitch has been pregnant for 516 days, 17 hours, 42 minutes, and 6 seconds according to my Knock-Up Gwen Clock that I purchased from your mama's ass. 

Joking, your mama only sells homemade dream catchers and bottle cap jewerly. 

Any way this bitch checked herself into Cedars Sinai Hospital in LA for a C-Section. Fuck that, this bitch just needs to fart and that baby will slid right out. 

That kids going to come out walking and talking with a full head of hair and a couple teeth. 

Up to the mother fucking Date: So she finally dropped her new son this afternoon, but the best thing about this news the the name. Caution: Please make sure you are sitting down........drum roll......

ZUMA NESTA ROCK........ What the fuck kind of name is that.

I am setting up, yet again, another fund for therapy, cause you know this kid is going to need it with a name like that. I am call CPA as we speak.

HOTTEST DICKS, I MEAN, ABS IN WHOREWOOD

The folks at In Touch Magazine did a poll about who has the hottest abs in Whorewood. The list is below, starting with #10. Granted abs are nice, but I would like to rework the list and replace "abs" with "would you or would you not".

10. Matthew McConaughey (Only if he showered, but shower or no shower he probably has issues with getting it up due to all the pot that he smokes. I've been there and I know this.)

9. Zac Efron (Gotta get him out of Crazy McBottom's bed first)

8. Brody Jenner (NO, he reminds me of a hairy Ewoke)

7. Gavin Rossdale (Only if that anteater peter is clean, I am allergic to Cheese)

6. Ryan Sutter (The bod is hot, but the face looks too Downs for me)

5. Shemar Moore (I don't do Chocolate)

4. Hugh Jackman (If I can tear him away from his "wife")

3. Mario Lopez (Only after he cleans my house, mows my grass, and repairs my toilet)

2. Robert Buckley (I don't know who he is, but why the hell not I've done it before)

1. David Beckham (Yes, but this bitch cannot talk. I do not like Minnie Mouse.)

Oh hell who am I kidding, I do them all. Invite them over for a gang bang, Efron's bringing the Crisco. 

SPAWN OF SATAN

This bitch is knocked up for sure. Just look at that smile right? It's either from having a bun in the oven or she just gang banged by all the other players on her husbands basketball team. I am going with both.

Her fat boss on DH told the media a few weeks ago that she has been trying to get knocked up for a while and that if she does it will probably be written into the show. I tell you 2008 is the year of the baby. You hear that China, change your calendars already. 

I think this baby is going to be ugly as fuck. She looks like a Mexican field mouse, and he looks like hairy French turd. He is not good looking in any way, shape, or form, except for his bank account. I could deal with the Frenchness for a few million. I bet he fucks while eating a croissant and sipping a cappuccino.

She she carrying the baby in her belly or her chin? You be the judge.

DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS BTICH

This hot ass bitch is my hero. She's several hundred years old and still knows how to use a gun and when a 17 year old convict broke into her house she did just that. When she heard him her house she got her ass right, walked right past him and into her bedroom where she grabbed the gun that she keeps with her and basically threatened to the blow the kids brains out. She made him back into a corner and call 911 while holding him at gun point. HOT BITCH.

The kid called 911 and told them that some crazy ass grandma was holding him at gunpoint and that they needed to get over to the house right away. When they arrived granny turned him over the popo's and that was that. This bitch rules. 

Granny had been keeping a gun close to her at all times due to the recent rash of residential break ins in the area. Her neighbors house was broken into a couple weeks before this and she wanted to be safe. She is hoping that she has not broken up the ring of break ins and everyone can get to their normal lives.

Give this granny a key to the city, a lifetime supply of polident, and some depends. This bitch is a hero.

SOME MISTAKES?

Meg Ryan, AKA Fish Lip Fuck Up, has admitted that she made a some mistakes in the early 2000's. For example, she left her husband, the hot ass Dennis Quaid, for the fat fuck Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe??? Mualgh. He reminds me of one of those really mean fuckers at the bathhouse that just slams it in really quick and fucks for like two seconds because they angry at the world....... Not that I have any experience in this, I am just saying.  Plus this guy looks like a fucking hippo with no neck, short stubby limbs, and a face only the Wino's mother could love and that ain't saying much.

She said she ended it with Russell because she didn't think it was right. I say the reason she ended it with him was because the movie they both stared in and started fucking in was a complete and udder shit bomb. Similar in size, color, and odor to the one that I personally just produced. 

I personally could not imagine going from the hotness that is Dennis Quaid to the Barnyard that is Russell Crowe. It obviously affected her, just look at the picture above. 

Her mistakes are as follows:

*She has more body glitter on that a Thai Tranny Hooker.

*Her lips look like a wore out O ring.

*Her face has more crisco on it than Crazy McBottom's ass.

All of the above can be fixed, but she may need therapy and some good old electro shock to get over her barnyard animal obsession fucking. That shit will fuck you up. 

PORN STAR BEER?

Since when did Jenna Jameson get into promoting beer? Okay, so this is not JJ, but rather the bible thumping good girl Jessica Simpson, Yes that Jessica Simpson who grew up singing in church. 

Now this may or may not be a smart move. In exchange for being the "face" of Stampede Beer she's getting a 15% stake in the company. Sounds good right? Wrong, because when no one buys it, and you know they won't, the company is going to go under quicker than Papa Joe does when his daughters are wearing skirts. "Oh I dropped my pen" Papa says when there is no pen in sight, but yet he hits the floor as he looks up towards the ceiling trying to sneak a peak at his daughters beef curtains. 

Does anyone care about this bitch anymore? NO FUCKING WAY.

Stampede Beer is infused with Vitamins to help you live a longer life. Please Vitamins in beer. Who's the fucking genius that thought of this? People who drink beer do not want to have vitamins in it and why the fuck does she look like a porn star who's been sucking dick for that last 12 hours in the ad. That picture is not hot. She's like the town whore that fucks in the back of her dads truck on bails of hay while using saran wrap and tortillas for protection. Don't ask!!!

Any way, Drink up, cause there's nothing like vitamins in beer. SICK BITCH.

THIS IS A MISPRINT RIGHT?

Following in the foot steps of another power bottom fister Mr. Martin is now the proud papa of twin boy born via a turkey baster and petrie dish, AKA, a surrogate mother. Gay, Gay, Gay, but good for him. 

When I first read the headline my immediate though was. Can you fertilize a turd now? I did a little research and took a couple tests and found out that No you can't fertilize a turd yet, but leave up to science and those Koreans and before you know it we will be able too. 

The spokeswhore for Mr. Martin released the following statement this morning. 

"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full time care. Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life and will be spending the remainder of the year  out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children"

Alright, hasn't he been out of the spotlight for years now anyway, at least since 1999 when he won that Grammy and Madonna gushed over him at the awards. He did live La Vida Loca and Shake His Bon Bon for a couple months, but then poof he vanished quicker than a dick does down Paris's throat. 

The babies were born a few weeks ago. 2008 is the year of the baby. Time to change your calendar China. Congrats to Ricky and the kids.

Shouldn't the sash he's wearing about read "King of the Penis"?

AIRPORT RUN IT

Yesterday during my retarded layover in Denver I was browsing the local Hudson News store looking for something to steal, I mean purchase when out of the corner of my eye I spotted this crazy as fuck Asian bitch standing next to me. To my surprise it was Bai Ling, yes the crazy bitch above smelling her fingers. And she doesn't need to ask nor tell anyone because we all know that Asian tang smells like fish, just like any finger or object stuck up John Travolta or Crazy Mcbottom's ass will come out smelling like Crisco, latex, and day old semen. 

I did a double take of this bitch because I didn't know if she was going to grab something and run or try to karate chop my ass. I say karate chop my ass not because she's Asian, but because she had those crazy eyes that only genuinely crazy people have. Big bug eyes with the left one turning in a little bit. She was dressed like her usual skank self. Basically a black tub top/sports bra type of shirt to show her belly off, which looked great by the way, nothing that I am into, but it did look good, and low cut army pants that actually showed off about an inch of her ass crack, no joke. I saw Asain crack last night, but it didn't get me stoned like I thought it would. For some reason everyone thought it was odd that I placed my nose right on her ass and took a giant snort, everyone except her.

Our eye locked for a few seconds then I ran off screaming like a 10 year old girl obsessed with the Jonas Bros. This bitch is that scary, yes indeed. 

After that I grabbed some fries from McDonalds and a pretzel from Auntie Annies then plopped my ass in a seat and waited to board my flight. Good Times in Denver.

Smell my finger!!!

SAY GOODBYE TO CHEETOS

H to the motherfucking ARK I am back. I tried my best to posted as much as I could while out on my whirlwind trip to NYC, but could not find a single minute yesterday as I was having all kinds of fucking drama at the airport, but more of that later on.

You better stock up on Cheetos right now because before you know the Cheeto Kingdom will be going under. Yes you read right, Cheetos will no longer exist. Why you ask? Well Brit Brit, or 5150, recently gave and interview saying that her former tank ass has given them up, which means they are going under as she was the only person keeping them afloat. Consuming several dozen bags a day, as she did, keep the company going and now they are losing their #1 customer. Sad sad day in the world of Cheetos. Expect news about the company going under very soon. 

5150 says that she is now living a healthier lifestyle and has cut out sugar while increasing her work out routines. When the fuck did smoking become healthy? This bitch smokes more cigs than Crazy McBottom takes cock. 

5150 now sticks to a chicken, rice, avocado, egg white, turkey burger, etc.... diet, with a side of cocaine, daily jello shots, and diet pills. Okay not the last part, but you know this crazy bitch is not just consuming the above list. She probably has a mini fridge hidden in the back of her closet that full of whip cream, Little Debbie snack cakes, bacon, and can after can of soda.

She claims to only eat 1200 calories, I eat that before 10am each day, per day and according to her that is a lot of food because she eats only healthy things now, like cigs. 

Granted she does look better in a bikini that she did a few months ago, but smoking is not a healthy lifestyle, just ask Debbie with the hole in her throat. Do you remember her? I loved that bitch and even dressed up as her for Halloween once. I loved those commercials with her even more than I love myself and that shit is a lot. Trust a bitch. 

There's a great pic of 5150's weave above. Will someone buy this bitch a comb already?

HAPPY BIRFDAY

The Terminator celebrated her 50th Bday, while her Vag celebrated it's 120th. That vag has been used and abused and ages in dog years you know, or is that cat years. I am not sure, either way it's old, black, sticky, and shriveled like a prune. 

I know what I am buying for her. A long sleeve fucking shirt. Cover those fucking arms you're scaring the locals.  And while you're at cover that mug of yours too, it's not doing you any favors either.

Poor Guy, you know he doesn't really want to be there only because she probably rides his cock until it falls off or at least is covered in blisters every single chance she gets. He's happy for the first few minutes but once that bear traps latches on there's no letting go until she's satisfied and that can take forever. Trust this, she never gives up or takes a day off. Example! After her night of partying she was up bright and early and on her way to the gym. 

Please bitch, take a day off. I do not go the gym, not a shocker to anyone, but rather I work out through Madge herself. I just look at pictures of her steroid arms and imagine myself looking like that. Kind of like the book The Secret where it preaches that you can have whatever you're heart desires if you just think about it. WRONG. I've been thinking about how awesome it would be if the owner of the ring ding and snoball kingdom died and left the factories to me, that shit hasn't happened. 

Imagine swimming around in marshmallow fluff all day long, snorting it like it was coke, using it as lube....... Good Times.

Time to get my ass on this flight. 

SERIOUSLY?

Seriously, Sunglasses at night? Give me a fucking break. These two are fucking retarded. The lovely lickers had a date night on Saturday evening where they caught the horrible movie Tropic Thunder. I haven't seen the movie, but hate Ben Stiller so the movie it horrible, end of story. 

Sam is looking kinda hot in the pic on the right. Like a hot 20 something year old boy trying to be Whorewood cool.  Like when you are at a party and you see someone you think is really hot across the room, but when you finally make your way over to them you realized that that person is of the opposite sex of you and it completely ruins your night. 

Apparently after the movie these two were accosted by the paps and one asked them to hold hands and kiss for the camera and then all hell broke loose. Lohan went ape shit, like I do when my corner liquor store is out of the pony kegs of Paps Blue Ribbon, and pulled her hood over her face and started screaming. I personally feel that this question should be asked each and every time she's out in public, because, I am sure you will all agree with me, that she looks best with her face covered. No one wants to see a coke whore with a leather glove for a face roaming the streets after dark. 

And seriously what the fuck are up with the glasses at night? Get a fucking life.

COVER YOUR EYES!!!

Here's the Wino trying to scare the crowd more than she already has by lifting her skirt up a bit as she continues to travel around the world and give shitty performances. Why do people keeping booking her? Granted she does have some talent and I admit I do really enjoy her Rehab song, as it reminds me of myself in a way, but my addiction is not drugs or alcohol (at least not yet) but rather butt plugs and crisco? Anyone else suffering from the same addiction? Maybe we start a support group? Support my balls while I insert my new plug?

You know that pussy is tore the fuck up, like an old cat scratching post with pieces of carpet hanging hanging here and there, a few bald spots, and some old finger and toes nails caught up in the fabric. Kind of like Wino's face I guess. That face is the face only a mother could love, but obviously she doesn't as she continues to let the bitch go down quicker than Michael Jackson in a locker room at an all male private school.

You know that pussy of hers squirts that eye burning liquid like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. Yikes, that poor front row. 

I do not, I repeat do not want to see that bitches beef curtains or bearded clam, which ever you prefer. Keep it covered and get the fuck off the stage until you get your shit together. 

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ALMA AWARDS?

Here's the ugly mexican bitch at the ALMA Awards over the weekend. Just what in the fuckity fuck are ALMA Awards anyway? I immediately think of the movie Sister Act when I hear the word Alma. Why you ask? It's simple. When Whoopie takes over the choir and that old moth ball who plays the piano can't hear what she's saying o the Whoop has to stomp her foot on the ground to get her attention. Well that old moth balls name in the movie is Alma.

I love that movie and I watch it each and every time it's on the TV, which is at least twice a day, every day. It's classic.

The only award that America, don't get me started on the name, would win in my book is the "Put A Bag Over My Face Award", this bitch is dog shit ugly and look how she's standing in that pic too. Reminds me of when a girl won't sit on a toilet seat so they just spread their legs and let it dribble down, before shaking it dry. Either that or she has a really, really bad case of hemmroids and has to stand wide legged with her feet turned in to cool off her ring of fire. 

I am going with the latter of the two.

HARK. LISTEN UP

Listen up bitches, all 3 of you, when in the fuck am I going to get more readers? Any way, Monday and Tuesdays posting are going to be a bit off as I am traveling from the west coast to the east coast and spending a total of 16 hours on the ground in NYC.

Don't ask me what the fuck I am doing. I am not paying for the trip so I can care less, as long as there isn't some screaming kid on the plane. 

I have a layover both coming and going and I will try my best to update in between flights. 

Again, keep it tight and wet until I return. Jesus loves you!!!!

HARK

OH MY TITS.

Oh those poor kids of hers. I am setting up a fund right now on their behalf because you know that those two are going to be or are already traumatized by having their faces shoved in the middle of those scary as fuck things. Her tits are scarier than Joan Rivers face and that shit is fucked up. 

I seriously stared at this picture for a good 12 minutes before I started posting for the day. I just don't get it. She's has enough money to have those things fixed. One looks like it melted due to the heat or is about to explode, while the other is falling quicker than the left side of a stroke victims face. 

And what's with that dent? That has to be caused by the hardening of those implants. Look at the ripples on the right one. 

If those tits look like that I can't imagine what those nipples look like. Pancake Areola's anyone?

ANGRY LESBIAN....RUN!!!!!

This Samantha bitch is a hard ass. I mean look at that scowl, she's so angry and rebellious. Totally going against the grain. Oh, I am trembling.

She reminds me of that dumb ass, me, who thought they were such a hard ass mother fucker in High School that they flipped the bird in the class photo each year and then got noon dentition. Isn't her "I am an angry little lesbian rocker" look a little old? She just turned 31 for christ sake. I look like this in every single picture taken in and around High School. 

Any way, hers her money mama and her posing for some picture while she pretends to "DJ", seriously have you had the chance to hear her? If so, then you know what I am talking about. It's like two old, diseased stray cats howling in a dark alley in downtown LA around midnight or so. Seriously there's no talent there.

She's retarded.

SAVE HER!!!

I am not talking about Wino, but the girl she's with. Wino, to no one's surprise, decided that she would take her 12 or so year old god daughter out to the local pub for a few drinks. YES, a few drinks at 12 years old. Seriously.

This girl is fucked. Time to call for backup and I am not joking. The poor girl is already a bit lost and is also wearing a pair Wino slippers, hopefully without the blood, shit, and barf stains. Does anyone know the number to CPS in the UK? I feel like calling for some reason, but don't really want to waste my time. She's already a lost cause. 

You just know that Wino got shit ass drunk, snorted a few lines of coke off the back of a toilet, cut her arms a few times, then made her way back home leaving the 12 year old to fend for herself. That actually sounds like a good time, I could of used a few toilet bumps, I am talking about coke, this weekend. I am sure it would of helped me deal with my inbreed family a bit better. I guess I really have no room to talk about his kid, as I was stealing cigs from my friends mom at 11 so..........

TWO HOT POCKETS GOT MARRIED

Konichiwa Bitches. I am back. At least for now, but that story is on the way.

Big Big Big news in the Giant Pussy world. Two of the worlds most famous muff divers bumped kittens over the weekend and made it legal. Hopefully, fingers and pussies crossed, they will make it and prove all those close minded fuckers wrong. But we have to remember that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

I personally think it's great that California, as fucked up as it is, is breaking out of the box (no pun intended) and allowing everyone to be treated equally when it comes to marriage, but enough of this sentimental shit right? Let's talk some shit.

Muff Diver 1 and Muff Diver 2 only married in front of 19 or so people, which comes a surprise to most of us as Muff Diver 1 has been bragging about and dropping hints about how this wedding was going to be off the fucking hook with strippers, strap ons, ball gags, and anal beads. Maybe not the last part, but imagine how fun that wedding would be. They both wore Zac Posen clothing, and when I say clothing I mean Muff 1 wore the lesbian power suit while Muff 2 took on the lipstick lesbian role and dressed in full fairy princess garb. 

Congrats to the happy hot pockets. Much love, lube, and latex fists. 

FREEZE FRAME

Everyone, I mean all 3 of you, this weekend has been crazy. I have returned home yet again and have tons and tons of out of state family in town. Posts prob won't return to normal until Sunday evening or so, after I get home from getting on my knees for Jesus.

Keep it tight and clean for me until I return.

HARK. 

THE LATEST IN WAL-MART FASHION

She's at it again folks. This time The Phoeb, I know it's spelled wrong but that's how I refer to her, called the paps and asked them to me her in the employee break room at the local Wal-Mart so she could show off the latest designs in combo locks. This bitch gets all the good gigs. 

Seriously take a look at the first picture. Her "jewelry" looks like that combo lock on the locker behind her. You know that her locker, there is no denying it. How can people get anything when they are around her. It's like Jesus took a dump from about and this angle fell to earth from the heavens above. 

Here's she is stopping traffic outside of Denny's. They were out of chicken breasts so they called her up and asked if they could borrow her cheeks for they. JOKING. She's such a giver. 

I don't really know what she's doing on that catwalk, nor does anyone else as no one is taking pictures or even paying attention to her. My favorite part of the pic is the two illegals on the right hand side. You know they are just looking for something to steal or their next baby's daddy. Anchor Babies Away!!!

GLAMOUR DISASTER

Did someone get their lips done? She probably got both sets plumped up. I can only imagine how bloated and swollen her vaggy vag is. Like Oprah after a night of binge eating on Marie Callender's Pies. Don't get me started on those. Sometimes I buy two or three and just eat them throughout the whole day. I don't even cut slices, just eat them right out of the containers that they come in. I am such a whore.

What is this bitch doing out so soon after having her boobs and face worked on? I would be taking advantage of the recovery and have people surrounding me feeding me grapes, massaging my feet, combing my hair, and signing Church Hymns. 

Especially that song by Khia called "My Neck, My Back" The Dirty Version.

"My Neck, My Back, Lick My Pussy and My Crack" That song always brings me closer to the lord above Mr. Jesus H. Christ. Holla!!!

Back to fish lips, I get so easily distracted. Who the fuck needs that much shit from Kitson? Please, this is for a photo op only, I am sure she drove her ass around the block and took everything back inside the rear door. I mean how many dresses can her husband wear in a year?

KANYE WHO?

This is suppose to be Kayne West out and about in Los Angeles yesterday. I have a hard time believing this as this guy resembles the homeless black man that I always see pissing on the telephone pole in the alley behind my house in between dumpster diving. This is no joke, this guy finds so many treasures in those dumpsters. One time he found a bike with no wheels and from the sound of things when he found it one would think it was the best day of this homeless life so far. Of course I had to get my ass off the couch and pause Rock of Love to check out the action. Once I made it out to the alley he was walking around with the wheelless bike over his head like he had just won an Olympic Gold for dumpster diving. When I saw him the next day the bike was gone, so who knows what happened to tit (it's a keeper).

I seriously think this may be him, if not they are related. You'd be really surprised how clean most homeless people are. Granted I would not wear white on the streets of LA if I was homeless, but to each their own right?

Let's do the homeless breakdown.

Backpack (Check)

Plastic Bags (Check)

Unshaven (Check)

Layers and Layers of clothes on a 100 degree day (Check)

Standing in from of a retard sign (Check)

Alright everyone, I think we got a homeless ho on our hands.

P.S. Don't ever give the so called homeless people money on Venice Beach. They are loaded as fuck, just like the street kids of Portland Oregon who are rebelling against their rich as fuck parents so they spend all day downtown doing drugs before jumping into the Audi's or BMW's and heading home. 

TIME TO TURN THE HEAT UP

A new wax statue was put on display recently resembling everyone's favorite frozen face Nicole Kidman. It's hard to tell the difference if you ask me as they are both, the original and wax version, frozen faced and cold, with 0 personality. 

I saw we put them both in a room and turn the heat up to around 150 degrees and see what happens. You know for a fact that both would probably melt or at least get soft and mushy like Kirstie Alley or Oprah.

If you don't want to give your kids nightmares for life keep them away from this wax bitch. 

DUCK AND COVER!!!

This closely resembles what took me close to 20 minutes to unload this morning as I was typing the first post of the day. Think about it people.

A survey was done in the U to the K asking ladies and gents what person do they have nightmares about the most. Of course, everyone's favorite crackhead topped the list this year bumping Marilyn Manson, who really isn't that scary if you ask me. His act got tired a long, long, long time ago. If he was so hardcore as he claims to be he'd be dead by now. 

The list is as follows:

1. Wino

2. Marilyn Mason

3. Gordon Brown (WHO?)

4. Pete Doherty (He molests cats)

5. The Cheeky Girls (WHO, WHO, and WHO)

6. Simon Cowel/Kerry Katona

7. Cherie Blair (This bitch is scary, she looks a crackhead muppet that will cut you for meth)

8. Jodie Marsh (Wrong, How can perfection be scary?)

9. Heather Mills (Fuck Yeah. She will beat you with her peg leg)

10. Alistar Darling (Again WHO?)

Trust this about Heather Mills. I have a friend who works on Dancing with The Stars and said she was an insane bitch who had all these special food requests and shit, cause she don't eat meat or animal products. Whatever. My thoughts on the issue. If she wanted special food she should of carried it in her hollowed out peg leg. RIGHT?

GET A REAL JOB

Now that Jamie Lynn Spears popped that kid out of her vag there's all kinds of rumors going around that her boy toy has been cheating on her ass. Do you blame him? He knocked up a Spears and they are crazy as fuck.

This bitch above, a cross between Cameron Diaz and a Tranny Hooker on Santa Monica Blvd after 2am, is claiming that she bumped uglies, and I do mean uglies, with JL's baby daddy. They apparently met at a party and she could immediately tell there were sparks between the two. No Bitch, the sparks came from the meth that you just cut up on the back of the toilet. 

After a couple days they started hanging out and just kissing a few times. RIGHT. Like a teenage boy would just kiss. Trust me on this one, I've been a teenage boy and teenage boys fuck everything, from pillows to watermelons, to frozen chickens, not that I know from experience or anything. Back to the story.

So after a while they started doing the dirty deed, he would pick her up and they would go back to his place or they would just fuck in the car like classy white trash does. Apparently she broke it off a couple months after JL announced to the world that she was another statistic. 

This bitch needs to put a bag over her head and go away.